What’s Closer Than Being Brothers?

Eskimo bro's will do anything for one another

College is a time when one may meet their best friends, their worst enemies, their future spouses, and anything and everything in between. It may be easy for one to confuse themselves amongst all the new faces, but here at lifes2easy we’ll help you get your priorities straight when it comes to separating the good friends from the great.

Now every college kid has their group of friends. Some close, some not so close, and some you just simply love. However, amongst all these is a special type of bro that can only be described in one sense – the Eskimo Bro. For those that are unfamiliar, the Eskimo Bro is far and above the greatest type of friend. In order to take that special step in one’s brotherhood a special bond must be made between the two, only occurring when the two share that special moment with the same female. It doesn’t have to happen at the same time, and it doesn’t mean that the next step has to be taken (constituting the two men as “tunnel buddies”), but as long as the two hook up with the same woman, then all bets are off, the two are forever eskimo bros. Let me run you through some of the perks of being an Eskimo Brother with a fellow friend.

1. No Need To One Up Eachother – Imagine this, it’s a Sunday morning, you and your friends are waiting around in the lobby on the second floor of your dorm for a certain friend who got way too fucked the night before to come out of his coma so you all can go and get some hangover food together. Topics of conversation may include, but are not limited to- talking about how wasted you got the night before, trying to bullshit one another about how many shots you took the night before, making fun of the kid that had to get taken to the hospital, but most of all, talking about who got with the best slam pieces. This type of talk can, at times, be harmful to one’s relationship with their friends, causing jealousy, doubt about whether or not they’re lying, and regret seeing as one’s beer goggles may have been working a little too well the night before. However, when one can turn to a friend and say, “Damn, that girl we got with last night was bangin’” it brings everyone closer together, everyone gets a laugh, and by the transitive property you and your friend have shared that special moment as well. Bliss.

2. More Fun For Everyone – Girls can be cruel bitches. Sure, there’s nothing better than that sloppy drunken middle of the party make-out and possible finger-bang, but sometimes depending on the ratio of guys-to-girls, some deserving candidates of this pleasure may get left behind. Not when Eskimo Brotherhood is the name of the game, however. Take this as an example: You’re with a girl, having fun doing exactly what you set out to do this weekend, but you REALLY need to take a piss. You have another friend who may have just gotten done with someone and is looking for another person. While you’re in the bathroom, your friend has one of two choices, respect the fact that you just went to take a piss and pass the girl up, or they can man the fuck up and become Eskimo Bro’s with you. After all, post-piss you can just go and do the exact same thing with someone else, right? More fun for everyone!

3. No Added Stress - Sometimes weekend activities can be stressful, especially if you suck. Take Turtle of Entourage, as pictured above as an example. In the classic episode, “The Day Fuckers”, where Drama bets E that Turtle can bring himself to have emotionless sex quicker than him, the stress that Turtle and Drama both feel while trying to get Turtle laid can be very damaging to one’s friendship. However, as seen by the end of the episode, when Drama nuts up, puts on the bunny suit and porks that broad like a stuffed animal, all stress is dissipated and essentially forgot about. Now I know that they aren’t truly Eskimo Bros in the episode, but the effort’s all there. Moral of the story – when you and a friend can settle for the same girl, desperation, as frequently exhibited by Turtle (as seen below), is completely unnecessary. Trek on brothers.

Flop from the MOP

When LeBron James announced in July that he would be teaming up with both Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade in Miami, he quickly became the most hated player in the NBA.  Everytime he takes the court, he receives a much louder chorus of boos than both Wade and Bosh.  However, it is time for that to change.  As much as I loathe LeBron, Chris Bosh has rapidly ascended to LeBron’s level.

In the offseason, both Bosh and James signed 6 year, 110.1 million dollar deals.  In other words, they will make an average of $18.35 million per season for the next 6 years.  And while LeBron receives the brunt of the wrath on the road, he goes out and earns his contract.  Sure, he is arguably the biggest bitch in sports and you can count his clutch performances on one hand, but he puts up MVP-like numbers game in and game out.  The same cannot be said for Chris Bosh.

When Bosh signed his deal, I immediately thought he was being completely overpaid, and that he is in no way, shape, or form worth 18 million dollars per season.  He went around parading with LeBron and Wade, acting as if he is on their level.  Well, it is safe to say he is proving himself wrong.  Bosh had an epically shitty performance against the Bulls last night, a team he spurned to team up with James and Wade.  1/18 shooting.  Yeah, you read that right.  ONE-FOR-EIGHTEEN.  If given 18 shots in an NBA game, I feel confident that I could make 2. After last night, I can safely call Chris Bosh the most overrated player (MOP) in the NBA.

This guy is making 18 million a year, which comes out to $219,000 per game.  In other words, Chris Bosh was paid $219,000 last night to turn in arguably the worst performance of a generation.  If this was the only thing he did last night, I would feel slightly bad for him for ignorantly and embarrassingly acting as if he was on the level of LeBron and Wade.  However, he went out and proved Kevin Durant’s claim of Bosh being a “fake tough guy” right. Carlos Boozer turned to face the basket, and drained a bucket in Bosh’s face in the process.  However, the bucket was soon negated due to this complete bitch out by the MOP:

Not only is he proving that he is the MOP, but he is also proving that he is a complete and utter bitch that cannot man the paint against the best the NBA has to offer.  In awarding him the Most Overrated Player award, the Miami Heat finally deserve an accolade, and it looks like this is the only one they’ll win this year (thanks to Derrick Rose, as well as the Boston Celtics and Chicago Bulls).  Thank you, Chris Bosh, for proving you are the bitch we all knew you were.

Beer Review: The Best Of The Dirty Thirty

Ask anyone what the most important attribute of the stereotypical college kid is, and you will overwhelmingly receive two answers: dead broke, and craving alcohol. Put the two together, and what do you get? You get the Dirty Thirty, probably the most disgusting mix of beer you can think of, complete with Keystone Light, Busch Light, Natural Ice, Natural Light and any other disgusting brew you can buy in a convenient brick of thirty cans. Low on cash and in need of something to ease the pain of your daily grind during the week? Make your life easier and cash in on the following members of the Dirty Thirty:

Busch Light: Probably my favorite of the Dirty Thirty, Busch Light is a staple at high school and college freshman parties due to its cheap price (~$17.99 for a 30 pack) and semblance of a recognizable name. Nowhere near as easy to drink as some other shitty beers, Busch Light does have a stronger finish than most other members of the Dirty Thirty, tasting much less like water and much more like beer than many of the members, which attracts my taste.

Babes love the Busch

Keystone Light: Keystone Light is the staple of the typical college party. Of every college I have ever visited or had a beer at, I have always, without fail been forced to drink a Keystone Light. Don’t get me wrong, it is very easy to drink, doesn’t taste COMPLETELY like water, and has a very smooth finish compared to other shitty beers, however what makes me hate Keystone is the bitch of a hangover it renders. If you want your body to feel like it was trampled by a stampede of wild animals the morning after binging on a beer, then Keystone Light is the beer for you.

Natural Light / Ice: Another staple at most colleges, Natty Light is the grand-daddy of the college beer. Unknown to most outside the college world, Natty has been made famous by “lax bros” everywhere for its dirt-cheap price and ease to drink. If you want a beer that tastes like 4 parts tap water and 1 part generic beer then Natty Light is the beer for you. Ice on the other hand, is much more comparable to Busch Light. Although comparable in taste (like actual beer) Natural Ice does not go down the throat very well and can prove difficult to drink in quantity.

Beer 30: Where the fuck do I even start? Most don’t even believe Beer 30 is actually beer until torturing their taste buds and stomachs and actually sacking up and drinking it. Beer 30 is the worst of the worst, but at $11.99 even the cheapest of the cheap can afford a nice 30 rack of this goat piss. If it’s not even bad enough that the can is often mistaken for a grape soda can, the company’s slogan is “Anytime is a good time!” Only in college…

Pabst Blue Ribbon: PBR really is a pretty shitty beer. I would rank it above the rest, except Busch Light of course, but never would I ever grab for it over anything but another Dirty Thirty beer. However, drinking PBR is like drinking a 12 oz. can full of history. PBR was, in fact served to troops during WWII and it’s been around for a hell of a lot longer than the rest of the Dirty Thirty. I mean, have you seen Gran Torino? Clint Eastwood sucks that shit down like it’s water. I wouldn’t recommend it, but if you’re feeling broke and in need of some cultured drinking, PBR’s the way to go.

The Top 5 Reasons The First Winter Break Of Your College Career Is Awesome

It really is the most wonderful time of the year…

 

As my winter break comes to a close and I get ready to start the daily grind of my second semester, recapping my winter break and pondering upon what made it so awesome seemed necessary to me. Like most other college kids, my break was full of heavy drinking, visiting friends at other colleges who went back earlier than I did, and reconvening with all my friends that went off to different colleges than I did. Here’s the top 5 reasons why your freshman year winter break from college is amazing.

5. Getting plastered with all your old high school friends – Normally I’m not one to get sentimental about leaving home. Going off and being at college is ten times more fun than sitting at home, so I didn’t really know what everyone was crying and bitching about when we left for school in the first place. But that aside, seeing all your old bro’s from high school calls for one thing – getting super fucked up. I kid you not, some kids go off to school and become completely different people altogether. My favorites are the straight-laced bookworms who come home from college complete fuck-ups. Ahhh how times change.

4. Leaving your parents appalled at your intoxication levels – It’s a given that all kids go off to college and drink. Whether they drank before college or not, it’s a fact of life. Most parents recognize this as well. However what I’ve noticed is that most parents tend to think that their kids will go off to college and become “social” drinkers like they are themselves, and will go out and have 5 or 6 beers and call it a night. Wrong move, parents. When kids are home for their first winter break, it’s only natural that they pick up at home where they left off at college and proceed to go out every night and get shit-housed. Upon coming home after any such night, parents get the reality check of a lifetime. It’s really quite beautiful.

3. Trading crazy college stories with everyone back home – I don’t know how much this applies to females, but when guys meet up with their friends back home, all we want to do (other than drink) is tell one another about how fucking great of a time we’re having back at our respective school. Stories can be good, bad, or ugly but as long as they give the whole group a laugh and are evidence of a great night – they’re acceptable. For example, a friend of mine chronicled a few mornings for me in which he woke up on the verge of tears upon looking at the girl laying in bed next to him. Unfortunately for me, a good friend from back home goes to the same college as me, so any fabrications of stories are immediately called out, a luxury that most of my friends presumably take advantage of.

2. New Years Eve – Of course back in high school everyone went to New Years Eve parties, acted way drunker than they really were, and went home by 1 o’clock or someshit. But now you’re in college, and that shit doesn’t fly anymore. Every college student’s goal is to get as shit-faced as possible on New Year’s Eve, and anything short of that is downright disappointing. New Years Eve after high school becomes like many other college parties, except you’re drinking to actually celebrate something for a change. Who wants to watch that little meatball Snooki drop from a ball in New York on TV when you could be getting wrecked with your closest friends?

1. Witnessing how fat everyone from high school got - I’ll be completely honest. When I went off to college I was the biggest skeptic of the freshman 15 out there. I figured, everyone drinks in high school and eats whatever they want, what’s gonna be so different about college? H-O-L-Y  S-H-I-T was I wrong. For some, this actually held true, as many actually care about their social standing and well-being enough to work out and watch what they eat in college. However, for many, as I’ve witnessed, the freshman 15 slowly becomes the freshman 30… and then some. Honestly, I could have gone out every night and stayed completely sober and just witnessed how bad some people ballooned in 4 short months and I would have stayed perfectly entertained. Everything in moderation, folks (kidding, of course). Emulate the guidelines and watch life become 2 easy.

Don’t let it be you!

The Good Life

Livin' the easy life

Party like it’s 2012?

For the small group of our followers who actually read the news and keep up with current events (or at least check the Yahoo! homepage top stories like I do), you know that there has been much worry at the beginning of this new year about mass deaths of groups of animals. Several such cases have occurred, involving thousands of creatures spontaneously dying ranging from birds falling from the sky to fish washing up on river banks. The phenomenon is being seen all over the globe, and as we, the common people, turn to the “experts” for advice, it’s somewhat discomforting to see that they have no idea what the fuck is going on either. But fear not – here at lifes2easy we will calm your nerves and explain (roughly) how you should handle this crazy situation.

As we are all aware, hit movies such as “The Day After Tomorrow”, and more relevantly, “2012″, have given us a glimpse of an apocalyptic ending that our world seems doomed to. The eerie events of the beginning of 2011 point us directly to one conclusion: the world must be coming to the end. Now don’t you panic, because we have a list of things you can do to make life too easy before the apocalypse.

0. [inferred] Successfully blackout. A lot. However this should be part of your normal non-end-of-the-world behavior anyway, so just a subtle reminder.

1. Go to Dubais, possibly the sickest place in the world. I can’t imagine it’s that great spending your precious pre-apocalyptic time amongst a bunch of Arabs, but it truly appears that life is too damn easy for them.

Observe:

2. Go Zorbing, an activity so gnarly it still hasn’t made its way to the US of A (it’s basically rolling down a hill in a human-sized hamster ball), but if you’re willing to fly to New Zealand you’re in for some crazy shit.

Zorbing gone bad:

3. Go to a Chicago Cubs World Series game. …oh wait nevermind

4. Have a beer in every Major League Baseball stadium.

5. Punch Justin Bieber in the face. 

6. Fuck a pornstar (Charlie Sheen already checked this one off his list). And who cares if you get some nasty zoo-animal STD, the worlds gonna end so it won’t matter.

7. Have a yacht party.

8. Get a tattoo. And not one of those serious hard-ass type tattoos, but something completely ridiculous. Something you would only get if you were insanely intoxicated. Like a giant mythical creature that takes up your entire back. Or a ruler tattooed on your shaft. Or maybe you wanna show your love for the site and you’ll get “lifes2easy” tatted on your lower ab region so when a girl is on her knees and takes your pants off she realizes this is a common occurrence for you…just sayin. And who cares about the buyer’s remorse, if the world ends and you already have some genital warts from fucking that porn star, might as well go out with a sweet tat on your body too. How about you take a lesson from our boy Gucci Mane, who just got a tattoo of… an ice cream cone… with lightning bolts coming out of it… on his cheek… hmmm.

9. Smoke a blunt with Snoop Dogg, Kid Cudi or Wiz Khalifa.

10. On a more serious note, maybe invest in a nuclear attack shelter. Be sure to bring a bunch of beer, canned non-perishable foods, some smokeshows, and get ready to repopulate the post-2012 world.

The end of the world is certain to bring about some difficult times for you. This list is by no means exhaustive, but we feel it is a good starting point for those of you who want to make life too easy before the Mayans’ predicted Armageddon in just a short 23 months.

7 Miles Between 1 and 1:15

As previously explained, parietals are the biggest buzzkill on our quest to good times here at Brotre Dame.  However, we believed that the night that we turned our clocks back for daylight savings would be an exception, allowing us to have girls in our room until 2 AM twice, thus allowing for an extra hour of private miscreant activity or blacked out partying.  Sadly, Notre Dame is not a bro loving school, and they decided that the first time that the clock struck 2 AM would be the end of everyone’s fun for the night.  In order to rebel against the lame conservatism of our school, we decided to attend an off campus party at the “soccer house”, the mansion of college housing.

On this night, we would be celebrating the soccer team’s advancement into the semifinals of the Big East tournament while getting plastered simultaneously.  The only way to stick it to Notre Dame any further would be to shack up with a random smokeshow, breaking the most insurmountable of Notre Dame’s laws.  Anyways, the night began and myself and a freshman soccer recruit from my dorm ran the beer pong table for no less than eight games before being iced by two very attractive girls.  At this point in the night myself and my soccer playing friend began spitting our game on two different but attractive groups of girls.  I determined that the girl that I began to flirt with was a slampiece from a previous conquering, but as a hungry male I determined that she was worth another tapping.  However, in mid makeout the girl tells me that earlier in the night she had been getting with one of my friends before coming here, so to maintain full male dominance and to break the lil’ ho’s heart, I immediately stopped penetrating her with my tongue and switched from a state of party raging to full scale hatred.

By this time I was just plain pissed off and in need of some food to absorb my drunkenness and sorrow. In my drunken state I decided that the weather outside was nice and that I would walk back to campus. If you all aren’t familiar with the greater South Bend area at night time, this was not the wisest decision for me to make. After about fifteen minutes of walking, I find myself walking through a shady-ass backyard struggling to figure out where I am. Next thing I know, a fucking Rottweiler is howling at me and I’m running for mylife. After about an all-out mile and a half sprint, I lose the fucking thing.

Typical cuddly little critter in South Bend

As I stand on a sidewalk keeled over, trying to catch my breath and hold back the vomit coming out, a police officer stops on the side of the road and says, “Hello sir, how are you tonight?” I take one look into that mother fucker’s eyes and book it like I never have before. All-out fence hopping, tripping over my own feet hauling ass. In order to get rid of the pig I’m forced to sprint another mile and a half completely in the opposite direction of campus, leaving me drunk and stranded and in need of a hug. Finally, I pull myself together and make the three mile hike back to campus. By the time I get back to Reckers (the late night hangout restaurant at Notre Dame for all piss-drunk minors) I look at my phone, and what do you know? It’s only 1:15! That whole ordeal only took 15 fucking minutes!

I was on my high horse until Keith Stone knocked some sense into me after hearing my dumbass story and told me about the time switch, and I realized it really took an hour and fifteen minutes to travel the necessary mile and a half back to campus. By that time I was completely wasted, demoralized, and struggling hard. It’s nights like these that make a man truly realize, always be on top of your game if you want to make life2easy.